The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. Emo Philips combinationevilincompetence Change image and share on social
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips doorfriendimaginary Change image and share on social
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. Emo Philips concernpeoplereproduce Change image and share on social
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips avenuedollarfeel share on social
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips askcatchchildbirth Change image and share on social
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips askbicycleforgive Change image and share on social
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips exterminatornightsleep Change image and share on social
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Emo Philips barbeernipple Change image and share on social
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips blankchildfire Change image and share on social